I am increasingly convinced that what people are searching for, what people so desire, is to be known. I don't mean known in the sense that people see you around, that people know you hangout with the 'right' kind of people, that people say "hi" to you wherever you go. No. I'm talking about intentional friendship. I'm talking about people taking time out of their day to find out how you REALLY are--to find out WHO you really are. And by who you really are i don't mean what foods you like, what your favorite color is, what your favorite hangout is, and what haircut looks best on you. No. I mean what your passions are, what the deepest desires of your heart are, where you are coming from, where you are, where you want to be, what you think about things, what you struggle with.
And this, is a potential problem. Because if people so desire to be truly known, and "known" really is as defined in the previous paragraph--how many people really know you? How many people do i really know?
Time does not equal frienship, as i have come to discover in the last two days. Its unfortunate really, it feels like a waste of precious moments. I walked into a room full of people i was supposed to be overjoyed to see, and i realized i had nothing to talk about with them, because i don't really know them. I don't know what they aspire to and besides the visible struggles, i don't know the temptations and struggles of their hearts. I've never kept them accountable, and they've never held that role in my life. What the heck? Why is this so overlooked in the church and Christian communities in general? What happened to vulnerability? How on earth can i rejoice with those who rejoice or mourn with those who mourn if i don't know the extent of the trial or the extent of the elation? I can't. I didn't. I wouldn't.
It is interesting/heartbreaking to realize that these people for whom i grieve so terribly, grew up in such a similar and blessed environment. Granted, our lives were not identical, but so many truthes were poured into our lives in the Westminster environment, and so few chose to hang on to them.
Individuality, the Devil's lie that tells us that we are our own person, a person who would be utterly shunned if one were to share the evils that lie in our hearts and mind, if one were to engage in true community.
sad. sad. sad. sad.
I don't cry a lot. I just don't. But i cried tonight. I cried because i want them to experience the joy that comes with bearing your pain.
At least I was able to experience and share in that joy with a few people since I've been home.
And on this eve of Thanksgiving, i am thankful for community. real community. I'm thankful for uncomfortable situations that grow me in immeasurable ways. I'm thankful for conversations in which i bear more of my soul that Satan ever intended. I'm thankful for people who are real and stop faking it. I am thankful for Samantha, Carly, and Emily with whom I daily experience fellowship as God intended. I am thankful that God has brought me from where i was to where i am, with a hope that it doesn't stop here.