Satire.

I don't know about you, but i think Satire is one of the most powerful ways to communicate. If you've never checked out sites like the ONION, you should. It's an entirely different way of thinking about things, and a powerful one, especially in our culture that so enjoys sarcasm. Its a way to meet people who don't really care to talk intellectually, and trick them into it. HAHA. So devious.

I wrote a Satire Senior year. Props to Dr. Holley for being the best AP Expos teacher to ever walk the earth. I mean seriously, i'll probably post all of my papers from that class at some point, he made us write about important things, which, inevitably, made us think about important things.

Well here it is, my Satire:

Break All Ties—For Your Sake

Dear Friend,
I do not think that we should continue our friendship. I would like to say that it has been nice getting to know you, but that would be a lie. I really don’t care about you. But I don’t feel bad because I know you don’t care about me either. All I care about is myself. It is my belief, however, that we are all narcissists, so much so that we are unable to engage in the act of loving anyone else. I hope you will be able to accept the fact that I do not believe that our friendship is destined to continue. If you do not understand why I am saying all of this, then allow me to explain a bit more in depth.
Firstly, I do not really want you to know much about me. I like to stay safely introverted so that at no point will I be vulnerable. I don’t want you to know about my flaws or my imperfections. I do not want you to patronize my struggles by telling me all about yours. Mine are more important to me, so I don’t really want to hear about yours.
Secondly, I do not want to take any advice from you. If you do happen to see any part of my life which you deem to be “out of line,” I do not really want to hear about it. I don’t want to change—if I did, then I would have seen those problems and made those changes on my own. I am who I want to be; your influence means nothing. I am an individual, and my life is not to be ruled democratically by you and the rest of my “friends.”
Thirdly, I feel that hanging out with you, and anyone else for that matter, severely hinders the gain of any sense of self I that have ever hoped to have. Friendship often requires sacrifice, but why should I sacrifice any part of me in order that I might be friends with you? How does that help me? I gain nothing from your friendship except an earful of information about your life that I couldn’t care less about.
I am not sorry about any of this really; to be sorry would mean that I have taken time to regret something that I have done, and focused, for a moment, on your well-being, something I really do not have time for. But as my last act of thinking about others, I will offer you this advice: Break all ties.
I am currently contemplating a move to rural Kansas or upstate New York. I am highly anticipatory about all of the wonderful things that will come from my new, decidedly individualistic lifestyle. I will have much more time to ponder all things related to myself. I will no longer worry about what is socially acceptable or politically correct. I will forget about your problems and worry about my own. I will no longer have anyone to tell me when I have overstepped my bounds. I will no longer have to commit every Friday night for the rest of my life to a social event. I will no longer have to go to Starbucks as a tradition of friendship but instead will merely get my drink and leave without ever speaking a word to anyone, save the barista. I will never have to make small talk about the weather or the Cardinals. Not only will I not have friends and acquaintances, but also I am toying with the idea of forgoing all human contact—it’s just so “others centered.” After all, why should I care if your dog died? It’s your dog, not mine. That’s for you to deal with. I did not ask for any added stress. When my dog dies, I won’t beg for your attention. But you already know this because I told you that I’m leaving, and these are the last words I will ever speak to you—and if all goes as planned, the last words I will have to waste defending myself against all people like you who pry into my life, trying to “help” or “comfort” me.